Rules for Men and Women
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MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE LANGUAGE

• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
• I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
• Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
• Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead.)
• Yes = No
• No = No
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MALE LANGUAGE

• I'm hungry = I'm hungry
• I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
• I'm tired = I'm tired
• Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
• Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
• Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
• May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
• Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
• You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I'd like to have sex with you
• What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
• What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
• I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
• I love you = Let's have sex now
• I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
• Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
• Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
• Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
• I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS

1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

6. The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but ..." Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind

Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS

1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have." Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat.

Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?" Also Known As:She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady.

Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans.

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps." Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy.

Advantages: Predictable.
Disadvantages: Contagious.

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain.

Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?" Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey.

Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.

6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious.

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at!" Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly.

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship." Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.

Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One.

Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

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